Kids jokes
Q: How do you put a elephant in the fridge? A: Open the door, put the elephant in and close the door. Q: How do you put a giraffe if the fridge? A: Open the door take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and class the door.
Q: What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken? A: Egg-explosion
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
What is a bunny's favourite music? Hip-hop.
A kid asks his father: Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed? Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing.
What happened when the shark became famous? He trued into a starfish.
Kid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly.
Doctor doctor I feel that Im a pack of card. What can I do ? Doctor: I deal with you later.
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender
Computer jokes
Why was the computer tired when he got home?
Because he had a hard drive.
Womens are like computer virus...they ENTER your life...SEARCH your pocket...SHIFT your balance ...CONTROL your life...when you become an old version DELET you from the system
What do Scientists have for snacks?
Micro-chips.
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Why did the computer get cold?
Because it forgot to close windows.
Q: What does a baby computer call its dad?
A: Data
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.
Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are alre
Girls jokes
Chuck Norris jokes
Chuck Norris owns the gold colour at the end of the rainbow.
Chuck Norris dozenth swim, water just likes him.
Chuck Norris can walk on water..,he's not God...the water is just afraid of getting him wet.
Once chuck Norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.
Chuck Norris can throw a house through a window.
Suicide committed Chuck Norris.
When a Jedi dies they become part of the force, when the force dies it becomes part of Chuck Norris.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK, AND SMELLS LIKE A DUCK BUT CHUCK NORRIS SAYS ITS A GIRRAFE ITS A DAMN GIRRAFE!
Chuck Norris made The Joker lose his permanent smile.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Girls jokes
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
3 women are waiting to be executed one is a brunette, one is a red head and one is a blonde.
The brunette is called up and the executer says do you have any last words and she says no. The exucter then continues and says ready aim and the brunette shouts earthquake everyone is startled and jumps to the floor while the brunette escapes.
Then the red head is called up and once again the exucter shouts any last words and once again the red head replies no. So the executer shouts ready aim and the red head shouts tornado everyone is scared and starts running around while the red head escapes.
By now the blonde understands what she has to do so when she gets called up and the executer asks her if she has any last words she says no. Then once again the executer shouts ready aim and the brunette shouts FIRE!
Did you hear about the blonde with an I.Q. of 2?
She was pregnant.
A woman yells to a blonde walking along a river, "How do I get on the other side!?" The blonde says, "You are on the other side!"
Q:What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:There actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
A boy and a blonde a stranded, in a blazing hot desert. They walk for miles and come across a shop. The boy buys food and water for the journey whilst the blonde bought a car door. "What will you do with a car door?" asked the boy and the blonde replies, "So that I can roll down the window for fresh hair when it gets too hot"
A blonde walks into gun shop and says my husband asked me to get him some ammo for his rifle. The clerk asked why and she said when my husband came home I was in the middle of nailing his brother, so he told me he was going to take me into the woods and show me how to shoot a gun.
A blonde walks into a library.
"PLEASE CAN I HAVE A CHEESEBURGER?!" he shouts at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, this is a library," the librarian says.
"Oh, sorry," he whispers. "Please can I have a cheeseburger?"
Q: Why don't blonds make ice cubes?
A: Because they don't know the recipe.
A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediantely starts crying.
Her brunette friend asks her, "Why are you crying dear?"
Blonde says, "Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. "I'm so sorry," says the brunette.
The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again.
The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, "My brother just called and said that his father died too."
Bar jokes
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender points at him and says, " I'm gonna let you in this time, but don't you start anything"!
I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
A blind man and his dog walks into a bar and the blind man starts swinging hid dog around the barman says, "What are you doing?"
A blind man replies, "Nothing I'm just looking around!!!!
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs and the barman says, "You've got a steering wheel between your legs!"
tThe man replies, "I know its driving me nuts!"
A man goes to a bar that has a party the other day, ee asks The boss.
Man: Can someone here give me a bl*wjob?
Boss: Yeah.Here take this balloons and blow them.
Damn! every year this birthday cake seems to be getting smaller. Or the alcohol is getting bigger!!
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the barman for a drink.
The barman says..."Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Animal jokes
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A investigator!
Two neighbours are talking to each other.
First neighbour Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbour: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbour: Really, well then, how?
Second neighbour: My dog came and told me.
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man does that.
The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there is a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
A man dog dies one day, and the man is very upset. His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes. Bought things from the shop. The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet. Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him."
The manager looks around. "We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here"
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out. "Go and bring me a beer from the fridge", he asks. The centipede got to work straight away. "Go and run a bath for me". The centipede did as asked once again. The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please" The centipede does this. An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop.
"I thought I told you to go to the shop?"
The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"
What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face?
...It will kick off your ladder...
Q: What is red and black?
A: A sunburnt zebra.
Q: What does a cow say to bull?
A: Are you always that h orn-ny!
Gemma:My dog doesn't have a nose.
Ortoise: How does he smell?
Gemma: Awful!
Family jokes
A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
Cool Morals:
1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbour. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
The worst place to have a heart attack is during a gamma of charades ...Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers.
One day Dan asks Bob, "So Bob what did you get for Christmas?"
Then Bob says to Dan, "Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?"
Dan says, "OOOOH WOW!!!"
Bob says, "Ya, I got the same exact colour tie!"
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x. The code is: "Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."
"Yes brother," says Paddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I'm getting a brother."
One day his mom all lowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."