A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender points at him and says, " I'm gonna let you in this time, but don't you start anything"!
I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
A blind man and his dog walks into a bar and the blind man starts swinging hid dog around the barman says, "What are you doing?"
A blind man replies, "Nothing I'm just looking around!!!!
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs and the barman says, "You've got a steering wheel between your legs!"
tThe man replies, "I know its driving me nuts!"
A man goes to a bar that has a party the other day, ee asks The boss.
Man: Can someone here give me a bl*wjob?
Boss: Yeah.Here take this balloons and blow them.
Damn! every year this birthday cake seems to be getting smaller. Or the alcohol is getting bigger!!
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the barman for a drink.
The barman says..."Sorry, we don't serve food here."
